2011 in Review

2011 - What. A. Year.

2011 was packed with the highest highs and the lowest lows. I feel ungrateful, given the full, blessed life I lead, to go into detail about this hectic roller coaster ride -but I feel compelled to do so. Maybe for my own therapy? Probably.

2011 started out on a high note. We had decided several months earlier to start trying for our second child. We hadn't been successful yet, but I had no reason to be worried, and felt the excitement this experience brings. Would we have a boy or girl? When would he/she be born? Anyone who has had a baby knows the joy that comes with having a child, so you know what these emotions feel like. Anticipation, excitement, love for this yet-to-be-conceived child.

A few more months went by, still with no success. However, I logically knew it's common to take a while, so I didn't worry much. Billy took the bar in February. Studying for the bar was an extremely emotionally trying time for him, but he studied his heart out. That's all a wife could ask for! He didn't feel confident, but I brushed his concerns aside. He's intelligent, and worked hard - so of course he passed, right? (oops)

We went on a cruise in March. I have to include experiences like this in this post, to show how truly blessed we are. Some couples aren't able to go on a cruise in their LIFETIME - and we were able to go to the Virgin Islands. It was peaceful, beautiful, and there was great food (my favorite part). We hope to go on one again someday, but this time with more money (seriously, we had no idea how much excursions cost!).

We graduated law school (awesome), but the big grey cloud hanging over our heads that day was not passing the bar. That was one of the darkest days, but I can honestly look back and say this experience brought us much closer together as a couple. We would spend hours at night talking over everything that had happened, and the possible reasons why we needed the experience. It was something that needed to happen (for business reasons), but the thought of doing it all over again was overwhelming. However, Billy is a freaking champ. He started studying just days after we found out, and took his test (again) in late July.

Less than a week after Billy re-took the Bar, he started on a major project in Utah, working on filming Christ's life. Click here to take a look (my husband's a rock star, right?). I have to mention how blessed we were to be a part of this project. This project was originally going to start in June, which would have made it impossible for Billy to study full-time, as well as make money so we could survive. It kept getting pushed back and pushed back - until finally they settled on the Tuesday after we took the Bar. I felt like this was an answer to our prayers. We were able to have 2-1/2 months of work, which enabled us to pay our bills, and prepare to start a practice - that is, if we passed this time. WHICH WE DID! That day was so glorious/surreal/relieving - basically any positive emotion you can imagine. Completely opposite of how we felt in April (when we didn't pass).

We were able to move back to Oregon in October, and Billy set up shop. He got a super sweet office for an AMAZING price, and things have gone well ever since. We are definitely NOT raking in the dough; however, this month we were able to cover all our expenses (wahoo!). I really have to stress how blessed we have been this year (before I move on). We have the most beautiful boy. He's smart, loving, and gross! We have a great relationship as a couple. Yes, we fight (mostly because of me), but we always make up before too long. It's wonderful to have such a strong companion to move through life with. I cherish this experience. We are luckier (more blessed) than most.

One thing that has been looming darker and darker is our inability to conceive. I feel so ungrateful and guilty writing about this, talking about this, bringing it up in conversations with friends. I already have one - why am I still so unsatisfied? Why do I feel so sad every time we learn we aren't pregnant? Why do I feel a knife in my heart every time someone asks if we want more? I'm bombarded with comments like, "It's in the Lord's timing (duh)" - "You already have Ethan - be happy with him (like I don't love my child enough)" and "Just relax! (as if this is possible)." - Side note: If you have to start your sentence with, "You probably don't want to hear this, but..." - just don't say it. Great words to live by, I promise.

I have moments where I am really positive. I KNOW we will have more kids. Whether it will be naturally or not, I know we will have them. This knowledge has helped me more than anything else has. Being able to see that my husband has some of the same emotions as I do has also helped. I also have days (like today) where I just feel sad. On Facebook today, 2 people announced they were pregnant, and 2 more shared pictures of their gorgeous, brand-new babies (side note - I REALLY am happy for them, I promise). I've realized that I need to take a break from social media for a while. Maybe this is why I have bad days? Comparing my experiences with others can be kind of toxic, and rather stupid of me! - Silly Kera

My resolution for this New Year is to focus on the positive. When I do that, I'm unstoppable! My life is so charmed, I know that. This year, I have realized that there would be no peaks without the valleys. The perk of this valley, is that the peak of being blessed with a second child (whenever this happens) will be so much higher than it ever would have been otherwise!

Farewell, 2011. You were awesome, slashed you sucked :)

As Buzz Lightyear (Ethan's favorite toy) would say:

To 2012, and BEYOND!

Thankful for Silence

Today, I'm thankful for silence.

"Do we know how to shut the door, stop the noise, and tune in to our own inner lives?" - Katrina Kenison

I'll explain: My newest purchase on my Kindle (LOVE. IT.) is Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry, by Katrina Kenison. The author is a mom (obvsiously) that has discovered the secret to enjoying life is by silencing the noise around us. She decided her young kids didn't have to be in so many activities - that just a few would suffice. She didn't need to always have music or the DVD player on in the car. That sitting in silence sparked conversations she would never have had with her kids. She also found that a little silence meant she simply didn't feel as rushed or hurried. She felt peaceful. And peace leads to happiness.

Happiness is a journey. I used to think, One day I'll be married. Then I'll be happy. Then, it became One day we'll be done with school. Then we'll make lots of money (funny, right?), and be happy. Then, I realized that happiness can come regardless of our circumstances, if we just seek it. Plenty of people are married and unhappy. Plenty of people make lots of money, and are still unhappy. So, I started to figure out ways I could change my attitude. Then, a friend mentioned I should read this book - she said it changed her life.

I encourage you all to tune into your inner selves, to find time to be thankful for our daily activities, which, in turn, will make you so happy for what you have.

I'll leave you with one last quote:

"I am convinced that the simplest, most effective way to enrich family life is to return quiet to our homes." - Katrina Kenison

What are your thoughts?

I'm POSITIVE we're still here... Right?

It's been a while.. a LONG while, since I blogged. I think I just got tired of it for some reason, which is ridiculous, because I love to write. I used to be GOOD at writing, but now I'm lucky if I write things coherently enough for others to understand :) So.. bear with me, I have something to say.

This year has taught me a lot about patience, about how we don't always get what we want WHEN we want it. From not passing the bar for the first time (Did I mention Billy knocked it out of the park the second?) and not getting other deep desires of our heart, I allowed myself to get frustrated and angry.. at God.. and other people who had what I wanted.

After taking the bar (the second time), Billy and I packed up and moved out to Utah so he could work on a film while we waited (and waited) for results. I was allowed much introspective time these past few months to look at myself, and figure out who I want to be. I saw something I didn't like - I was moody, semi-rude, snappy, and allowed myself to be jealous of others. Not cool, right?

I thought about how I used to be - I was always a positive, bubbly person who didn't sweat the small stuff. Where did that girl go? I made a promise to myself that I would find that girl again, and become happy and positive.

Then, something happened, I realized my life freaking rocks! I get to be a wife to an amazing man who loves me, and treats me with respect. I get to have the most beautiful little boy on planet earth! Sure, I don't have more kids, and that breaks my heart at times, but I have been blessed with him - which is more than a lot of people can say. My husband has a great career, and a great one to fall back on. And, we have great and supportive family and friends.

I found happiness, and life is great.

Things I Want to Punch

1. Property managers who say apartments in Oregon don't NEED air conditioning. This is absolutely true of the tenants don't NEED to sleep in the summertime.

2. Jeans that stretch to wear. What they don't tell you is that you're buying jeans that are going to fit you for about 4 hours, max. By lunch time, you feel like you're swimming in your jeans.

3. Game shows. I HATE game shows with a passion. You know that feeling you have when you're about to confront someone and it's going to be awful? For some reason, I have that gut feeling every time a game show is on.

4. Houses painted in easter egg colors. Pretty sure the reason they're called easter egg colors is because they're meant for EASTER EGGS. Please paint your house something neutral so your neighbors don't hate you.

5. Blue dye in hair gel. There is ONE type of hair gel I've found that works for Ethan's hair. Unfortunately, it's dyed blue. Did I mention Ethan's a boy? Doing his hair is considered a sport in our house. It consists of me frantically running after a giggly little boy who thinks it's a game of tag. I always end up getting gel all over his face, and because it's blue, he looks like a little smurf when all is said and done.

Forget Yourself and Go to Work

These words of President Hinckley's have been such an inspiration to me. Who knew doing chores could make you happy?

This Picture

This picture...

....Warms my heart. There's something so profound about him looking up. I want him to always look up. Always realize his potential is larger than life. To always be smiling. This picture makes me think of the infinite possibilities in Ethan's life. So thankful for my baby. So thankful his future is bright.

Random

Ethan is obsessed with my shoes! I don't really blame him. Girl shoes are so much more exciting than boy shoes. I finally gave in, and this was the result:

Practice makes perfect.

Ethan so excited! YES, I know it's weird. But it was also so fun to see him so excited. Also, I can't wait to show his future girlfriends.

Aaaaaand here's his easter basket/helmet. Doesn't he look Russian?

Easter 2011

Due to not passing the bar, Easter weekend wasn't exactly our favorite. But Ethan sure had a great time! Isn't he so grown up??

How can a boy be so photogenic?

Ethan opening his Easter package from Mema.

Mema's Easter basket, which he has deemed a helmet that must be worn whenever he's on his bike. Needless to say, we've gotten plenty of odd looks from passersby.

It Can Only Get Better

So... here is a rundown of our week:

Last Friday, we found out Billy didn't pass the bar - by 3.5 points. It was a weekend of confusion and sadness, wondering why this needed to happen, and what good could come of it. Billy was the most amazing husband throughout the experience, and for some reason, I was the weak spouse, preferring to wallow in self-pity for a few days.

It didn't take long for us to look on the bright side, and realize Billy still had a job, and so did I (at his firm). How many people are that lucky to be able to stay hired and clerk while they study for the bar a second time?

Then this Friday hit, and Billy was asked to take the day off. His boss wrote him an e-mail, firing me without notice, and reducing his hours by so much that he has to quit to take another job. We were shocked and extremely angry/hurt. This person we've worked for/with for 2 years questioned our integrity, and kicked us while we're down.

How this all makes sense:

When we found out we didn't pass the bar, I kept thinking, "There's no way this is all going to make sense one day." Now, we know why. If we would've passed, we would have partnered with this dishonest person, who is completely without empathy. That's not someone I'm keen on working with.

I'm so thankful for faith. I'm thankful for family and friends, and mostly, I'm thankful that our current life situation makes sense. I'm so glad of the ability to rid myself of hurt and hate towards someone. Staying resentful only punishes us, and as we strive to put this behind us, I hope we're able to keep that in mind.

It can only get better from here, right?

I Need This

How gorgeous is this dress? I have no idea what I'd wear it to, but I feel like I NEED it!

It's chiffon!

Last Day

We were obviously really lazy about dating pictures while on vacation. But come on, people, it was VACATION! We had an absolute blast, and just didn't take the time. Our last day, though, we kind of panicked and took a bunch.

I believe these pictures were St. George, but that's subject to change.

Absolutely beautiful! My favorite island by far for curb appeal. Not so much for getting-harassed appeal, though.

We decided to check out one of the forts. Which, oddly enough, was turned into a police academy, equipped with a shoe repair shop and a gym (random).

The last cool thing we saw before leaving! These islands were so gorgeous, but I realized living in paradise would be really hot, claustrophobic, and isolating. At least, that's what I tell myself to make me feel better :)

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Really - is there a girl out there that doesn't just feel at home at Tiffany's? Even in St. Thomas, my second home welcomed me with open arms! We had an absolute blast shopping on this island, and even purchased the most beautiful blue topaz ring! ...Not at Tiffany's, of course ;)

Food, Glorious Food!

Quite possibly my favorite part of our trip was the food. Someone planned what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh, and room service. We ordered room service AT LEAST once a day. Hey, it's free. I'm going to use it!

Our first day on the ship. What a welcome it was! I think it took us all of a 1/2 hour to go to our favorite restaurant, the Windjammer.

After dinner. Mmmm.. I miss it!

There was a midnight buffet, and you better BELIEVE I was there! Can you see how excited I was? Because I was elated.

BINGO!

Since Billy got FRIED, we were stuck on the ship for 4 WHOLE DAYS. Yikes. We - correction, I - had to do something. Billy consented to Bingo, which ended up being a lot of fun! We were a lot less drunk than most of the people in the room, but it was still a lot of fun, and totally addicting! Maybe next time we'll win..

Billy with his clown nose.

Service on the Ship

Seriously, why doesn't anyone pick up and clean my towels anymore? Who will make my meals? Who will plan my breakfast, lunch, room service, and dinner? This world is so bleak without my team of waiters and cooks! So, so sad. But life will go on. .. I guess.

Seriously, that's his name.

Ari cleaned our room and made our bed twice a day, including making cute animals out of our clean towels. Man, I miss him!

Great Friends

We were lucky enough to find great friends to go on a cruise with, but what we didn't know was that we'd make great friends on our ship! Our first night at dinner, I have to admit I was disappointed that we were put at a table with a bunch of other people. Meeting new people is just not my cup of tea. I'm always awkward and/or saying something stupid/offensive around new people!

I soon found myself looking forward to seeing our new friends every night, sharing stories about what we did that day, and learning about their lives. So happy we were able to meet new people, and hopefully lifelong (Facebook) friends :)

Cute Lil' Sailor

My friend Leanna was kind enough to lend her camera and photography skills to my little monkey! What would this world be like without great friends? Here are just a FEW of the amazing pictures she took..

I could just eat him!

Happy 26th

It was my birthday this last Saturday, and I have to say, it was my BEST BIRTHDAY YET! Since Billy's done taking the bar, he was able to take care of Ethan ALL day. It felt like I was on vacation.

I went out to lunch with my girlfriends at the Star of India, which never disappoints. We got a "picture" while we were there, which actually just turned out to be a video. Disappointed I don't have a pic to remember it by, but I'm sure those extra calories will be a reminder for a few weeks.

After lunch, I took a NAP, which was heaven.

Then, I opened my gifts from Billy:

He bought me dishes to make Creme Brulee in (which I've really wanted), and an orchid, which is just my kind of plant. I only have to water it once every 2 weeks.

Gail was kind enough to watch Ethan, so we went shopping at Woodburn, and then treated ourselves to sushi afterwards. It's been so long since we've had sushi, so I was super excited.

We topped off the night by going to Konditerite and getting a slice of raspberry cheese cake. So heavenly!

Special thanks to my husband for making it a day to remember. He was such a champ!

Adventures with Ethan

I have struggled for some time trying to enjoy staying at home instead of working. The guilt for not loving this "job" can be overwhelming at times. I've decided to try to make this a little adventure, and come up with academic and physical activities for Ethan and me to do together to make our days more full! (and easier on the pocketbook than shopping) I found this great website, http://www.toddlertoddler.com, that has tons of ideas to do with your toddler. SO. EXCITED!

We started with numbers and airplanes. Have I mentioned Ethan has a healthy obsession with airplanes?

Putting the airplanes high enough for Ethan to struggle to grab them off the wall..

Ethan posing for the camera. Lately he enjoys doing this, and then running to me to see what his picture looks like!

Ethan mid-run to see his picture :)

AND.. he thought the airplanes wore better on his shirt than the wall. He was right.

...On a side note, make sure you watch the tape around a toddler. There's just way too much fun to be had with it!

Creme Brulee

A few weekends ago, I had a girls' night in Portland with some friends, and we finished the night off at Papa Haydn's. SERIOUSLY the best dessert I've ever had! I tried some from all my friends, but I have to say, my creme brulee was the best. I'd been thinking about it for weeks, and of course driving all the way up to Portland, ordering this delicious meal, and driving back are just not financial options for us right now! So... I decided to try my luck at making it myself. Here was the end product:

It was so amazing! Really hit the spot. I did feel a little wasteful, because I ended up throwing away the leftovers, since it's SOOOOO fattening. Very worth it. Can't WAIT to make this again! Anyone know where to get cute little individual dishes to make it in?

Puke

Yes... Puke. Seriously, so disgusting. Billy will tell you that I don't deal well with ick. Can't stand anything that smells or looks weird. My gag reflex is WAY too active!

Ethan's been sick for several days, and yesterday, his puke made its debut. He spit up plenty as a baby, but somehow, that was so much more benign than what came out of his mouth yesterday. So. Gross. I somehow managed to keep my OWN puke inside, although not without significant effort on my part. It's things like this that make me think maybe I AM cut out for motherhood after all! If I can clean up puke, there's nothing I can't do :)

Superman

Betchya didn't know I was related to Superman, did you? Ethan is in this stage where he likes to have both milk and water AT ALL TIMES. So you see him walking around with 2 sippy cups quite frequently. The other day, Billy tied his blanket around his neck like a cape, and he was ECSTATIC! So, so precious. His little personality grows bigger every day.

Naptime/Popcorn Time

Ethan has had a pretty rough time napping, even when he was a brand-new newborn. I was so confused when people said newborns sleep all day - because mine didn't sleep EVER!!

Lately, I have learned how to get him to sleep longer. He normally wakes up after 45-60 minutes, and all I have to do is go in, settle him down, and tell him to go back to sleep. Well, this is what was awaiting me when I went in his room to do just that this afternoon:

Yeah... there was no getting this baby back to sleep! He was an unstoppable force today. On a side note, so was his hair...

This isn't really relevant to this post, but I love this photo! Ethan loves his popcorn, and I love this because it's kind of an inside joke in our family :) Note the mismatched socks. He's all boy.

MY Golden Globes Best & Worst Dressed

One of my favorite parts of award season.. Well, my ONLY favorite part of award season, is the fashion on the fashion on the red carpet! I decided to do my OWN little Best & Worst dressed list :)

BEST

Heather Morris: Freaking hilarious. LOVE her. LOVE this dress. It's in my top 5 of the night. I of course love how it has sleeves, but I am now obsessed with owning a nude dress for our cruise in March ('cause, you know...we're going on a cruise. Be jealous).

WORST

Catherina Zeta-Jones. I know you're dating an old guy, but you don't need to dress like it! Looking at this reminds me of Scarlett's dress in Gone With the Wind..

WORST

Tina Fey. Seriously...I believe that dress belongs to my wardrobe circa 1997. And it was gross even then.

WORST

Scarlett Johannson. I know I said I was into the whole nude dress thing, but this is all wrong! What's weird is that she has the PERFECT figure, but somehow managed to find a dress that makes her look frumpy. Also, her hair makes me want to take a shower.

WORST

Tilda Swinton. Do I really need to say anything about this? This looks like a really poorly dressed bridesmaid at an LDS wedding. On a side note: I really really like her shoes.

BEST

Mila Kunis. I love everything about this dress! The color, the cut, and I love that it was paired with almost no jewelry. I'm also obsessed with Mila, so maybe I'm biased.

WORST

Jennifer Lopez. Just one sentence: Don't wear a poncho to a red carpet.

WORST

Julia Stiles. I have grown to love her over this last season of Dexter, but this dress is seriously frightening. What is she, 30? I think she's way past Prom age..

BEST

Jane Fonda. She is so flawless and graceful, and is dressed as such. She's dressed her age, used black (stunning), and the cut is wonderful for her. Pretty sure I want this dress too.

WORST

Natalie Portman. Now, I know it's hard to dress when you're pregnant, but with her explosion these past few months, you'd think she would get better than this! That flower makes me nauseous.

WORST

Michelle Williams. This isn't the MTV Movie Awards. Or the '70's. So PLEASE get out of that hideous dress!

BEST

Claire Danes. This is the PERFECT color for her rosy colored skin. It is so simple as well! I am absolutely in love with this simplicity.

WORST

Jennifer Love Hewitt. She's been unlucky in love, so maybe that's she chose a bad wedding dress. Anyone else feel like her top is going to eat her alive?

BEST

Angelina Jolie. I love everything about this look. I love how it's gathered like a tunic, how it's green, the long sleeves, and, of course, the SPARKLES! I am a girl, after all.

WORST

January Jones. I saw this dress got some awards, and I have NO IDEA why. It's one of the most unflattering of the night. It's way too awkward to make any sense of. And tassels? Maybe she thought it was the CMA's.

WORST

Helena Bonham Carter. I really only put her on here because she had two different colored shoes. She's horrible every award show, so it's not a surprise she showed up in this get up.

WORST

Emma Stone. Although I love her understated make up/hair, it doesn't excuse her nasty orange, ill-fitting get up. Ew.

WORST

Amy Adams. This is hard for me, because I am in LOVE with her! But what's up with the oddly gathered fabric? It looks like fabric threw up on her bodice.

WORST

Sandra Bullock. Which is worse? Her bangs or her dress? Once again, I love the nude dress, just not this one. She has a nice body, maybe she shouldn't wear a dress like a paper bag..

WORST

Halle Berry. Does this dress remind anyone of Madonna? I love the shoes, and I love how she looks killer with short hair, but I cannot get past this dress. Also, we KNOW you have a nice body. Cover it up once in a while.

BEST

Anne Hathaway. My ALL TIME FAVE OF THE NIGHT. LOVE this dress! Love the color (nude), love the sparkles (of course), and I love how it hugs her body. If my body looked like hers, that would be the best day of my life!