For those not familiar with the adoption world, there's a huge internet community for it. You can find support in forums, websites, etc. I met Katt through an adoption forum, and was drawn toward her warm and positive nature. She is the person who actually gave me the idea to do these guest blog posts.
I saw how understanding all parts of adoption could really help educate our society on adoption.
By showing all the good that can come from adoption, as well as the hardship and heartache, I think we can help remove the negative stigma.
What Katt wrote is honest and heart-breaking, but it's also a story of resilience and redemption.
We are so thankful she shared her story with us…
I never thought of myself to be the type of person to choose adoption. Nobody sits around as a little girl and thinks, "One day I want to be a birthmother!" I had always considered women who chose adoption to be weak.
The process has taught me quite the opposite. Everyone involved in adoption is strong. Stronger than an outsider may realize. As I try to recall my story, I realize how much I have grown and how much stronger I become everyday. Some of it is kind of a blur now. I think I have just hazed a lot of it out. But here is what I remember:
When I got pregnant, my initial emotions consisted of fear and confusion. My boyfriend at the time and I considered all of our options. We thought about abortion, and I could not bring myself to do it. Although I am pro-choice in SOME situations, that is not the choice that I would choose to make. Eventually, we decided we would keep the baby, although that was obviously not the end result. I was living with him at his parents' house, at the time (in Maryland). He had just finished school and started on his career path.
We were clearly not ready to care for a child, but at the time we decided we would try. Eventually, I could not stay at his parents' house any longer, and I moved back home to California and stayed with my Dad. (My child's father and I were in a long distance relationship for 2 years or so, and lived on opposite sides of the country.) Our plan was for him to work double-time and save up money; then I would move back out there
to give birth and raise the baby. History told me that this would likely not work out, because when we were long distance there was always conflict and tension. I remained hopeful though, and went through the motions.
Not too long in, the fighting began, and a month or 2 later, he abruptly stopped speaking to me. I was absolutely devastated. I felt completely betrayed and alone. Eventually we spoke again, and he told me that he wanted me to get an abortion. I said "absolutely not." I was about 5-6 months into my pregnancy. I had seen my baby on ultra-sounds. I had bonded with her. I told him we could discuss adoption, because it seemed like some sort of middle ground.
I know I am, or was, the mother; and I have the ultimate say; but I strongly believe in 50/50 (or as I say 100/100). I did not want to be raising a child by myself, simply because I didn't have the means. It was 100% not that I didn't WANT to.. but rather, I felt I couldn't. Or knew I couldn't. My family was not very supportive. Supportive of me, yes. But of my keeping my daughter - not so much. I pushed forward alone. At some point, I ended up moving in with my Grandparents. I was there for a few months when I was told that I had to either consider adoption or move into a shelter.
After a few weeks of thinking, I decided to search adoption on google in my hometown. I wanted to be completely informed of the entire process before even considering diving into that. I ended up calling a local adoption facilitator. She told me she would like to meet me, and invited me out to a cafe for lunch and drinks. I was nervous, but she made me somewhat more comfortable in her presence. She showed me potential adoptive parents' profiles, and explained the me what the process was like. I was handed the initial paperwork, but I refused to sign or give out any information that was too personal until I knew more, or decided that this was something I may want to do.
That night she called me, and she told me that she had a great couple she wanted me to meet 2 days from now. I had just explained to her that I wasn't even sure I wanted any part in this, so I thought it was a little bit intrusive and quick. I called my daughter's father and asked him his opinion. He said he wanted me to go and meet them, and just see what they were like. I called my facilitator back and told her I would consider it, but I probably didn't want to. The day came quickly, and spur of the moment, I decided I would go meet them. They were an amazing couple. Literally two of the most caring, compassionate, and intelligent people I had ever met. We had tons of things in common. They brought me a box of belgian chocolates from their recent trip to Vegas, and shared photos and dvds of their life with me. In fact, I still have that box that the chocolates came in, displayed on a shelf in my living room. The man was a similar racial background as me, and the woman was the same zodiac sign. (I'm into that sort of thing).
My facilitator explained to them that I was unsure still; and that I would consider everything. Absolutely no promises were made. My grandmother encouraged me to see/look at other couples, but I really didn't want to. I liked this couple a lot. On her advice though, I looked through a few more profiles. Something was wrong with all of the other couples to me. I am a bit picky and controlling. Imagine how picky I was about who might potentially adopt my daughter. I started talking to them more regularly, and begin to form a great/strong relationship with them.
If you can't guess on your own. I ended up "relinquishing" my daughter to that couple. The very first, and only couple I met. It is kinda like falling in love. When you meet the right person (or people in this case), you "JUST KNOW." My eventual AP's were very supportive of me. I had honestly felt more alone that I ever had in my life prior to meeting them. They were a huge support system for me, and I don't think I would have made it through that part of my life without them. Multiple times, they came to visit me. (They are from Southern California, and I am from Northern California). We would go out to eat, shop, and most importantly get to know eachother; finding more and more we had in common.
After a week or two, we did a conference call with the birthfather, where he was able to sort of meet them too. He liked them also. At first, I still would not to commit to adoption; but after a couple months of thinking, we called them together and told them that we would like them to adopt our daughter. The APs were there for me through everything. Issues with my family, problems with the birthfather, and most importantly, all the crazy stuff that happens during pregnancy. They were extremely generous and caring towards me. They went above and beyond to be there for me throughout everything.
A few days before my due date, they flew out and stayed in a hotel out here so they could be there when I gave birth. We hungout everyday that they were here, and went to a birth coach to prepare. My water broke on my due date early in the morning. I called the APs right away. As panicked as I was inside, I stayed pretty calm, took a shower, ate breakfast. I may have seemed fine, but I was freaking out waiting for them to pick me up to take me to the hospital. We were there ALLLLL day. Longest day of my life. Since my water had broken and I wasn't going into active labor, they gave me a pill to help it along. The APs left for a bit to have dinner at my Grandparent's house, since things weren't happening right away. While they were gone my contractions started. I had them bring my brother over, and he visited me for a bit.
Giving birth was traumatizing to me. I was there for over 24hrs, and it is seriously the most painful, hardest thing I have ever done. Not to mention all the physical changes that happen. Although I wasn't sure if I wanted one, I ended up getting an epidural. That made everything so much easier and smoother. I
didn't start pushing until that night, and early that morning I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. The cutest and most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Nobody can prepare you for the emotion you feel when you give birth to a baby. I remember just thinking "WOW, I made that." - as weird as that sounds.
The APs stayed in the hospital with me for the next 2 days. We even shared a room. It was a little hard for me sleeping next to them, having them take care of my daughter when she woke up in the middle of the night, etc. In the end, I think it was good for me though. The day after I gave birth, my facilitator and family visited me. That was also the day I signed the papers. The social worker I had working with me the whole time was there with me to help me sign. I had no lawyer with me. Apparently there was some sort of mix-up, which I won't go into. Either way, things turned out okay. On the last day, they drove me back to my Grandparent's house and said goodbye. I said goodbye to my daughter, and to them. I think the feeling of separating from your child, and not knowing when you will see them again, is the most devastating and heartbreaking feeling in the world. It is really hard for me to even write about. I got inside, went to my room, and cried for hours. Nothing in the entire world can compare to the profound, deep sadness that you feel afterward.
Fast forward a bit. I moved to Illinois, tried to start my life over. Went through tons of depression. Tons of issues with the birthfather. Moved back to California with my uncle, after the passing of his girlfriend of 8 years. A lot has happened.
Do you believe in fate or destiny? Adoption has made me believe. My daughter is adopted by the first couple I met. I ended up finding out that the AF's (Adoptive Father's) friend was an adoption lawyer. The APs told them they wanted an asian baby, and a girl. They said "that's impossible, you are going to have to be less picky.". (I am half asian, and obviously had a girl). The lawyer introduced them to my facilitator who rapidly flew them out here a few days after connecting with them. And they adopted the first birthmother's baby that they met. (for many APs the process can take YEARS). More importantly, it has turned out the be a perfect match. I am still in touch with them.
We have a semi-open adoption where I receive photos and videos and updates, and eventual visits. They always say they feel like they adopted me too. I love my APs. They have taught me so much, and done a lot of things for me that most people would not do. The greatest thing of all though, is that my daughter is happy and healthy. They are wonderful parents, and she is in the best hands. I have never received counseling, but after over a year of dealing with the depression that comes along with adoption, I am in a good place. I am now engaged to the birthfather, and living with him. I am happy. And although you never "move on," I am moving forward. Adoption always brings pain for everyone involved. There is no way around that. You just keep moving forward, and remembering why you made the decision you did. I gave the greatest gift in the world to THREE of the most deserving people. A gift that all the money in the world can never buy. Family.
In the end, I also gained extended family. And I am growing and getting stronger everyday. Even on the tough ones.
