Smile

Ethan is getting to that age where his smiles are getting weird. This is the most hilarious stage he's hit so far. And so, folks, here are the many smiles of Ethan. 

 

 

 

 

 

It's rainy and cold. Hard to believe that just a few weeks ago we were soaking up the sun!

Check out his super huge muscles

Ethan finally learned how to scoot along the side!

This is my favorite picture by far. If there's one thing this kid is good at, it's relaxing. O

 

 

 

F-O-U-R

Can you believe this little guy is four?? Where has the time gone. He even mastered the wink on his birthday.

Our Next Chapter

The past 4 years have been such wonderful years, raising our little boy. It's unreal to think he's been with us for 4 years. Add to that the fact that on June 21st, we will have been married for FIVE years. In some ways, it seems to have gone by so quickly, but on the other hand, it seems like we've been together forever. We just fit so well.

This past year, we've undergone several fertility treatments, each more heartbreaking than the last. I feel like we've learned so much through this process. We've learned how to deal with disappointment gracefully (although I had a hard time with this part at first). We've learned how to grow and grieve together, rather than drift apart. We've become so much more thankful for our little boy, and just thankful in general to have a family that's ours.

After much prayer, research, and talking, talking, talking, we have found some clarity with the path we plan to take. We have decided to ADOPT.

This is so close to my heart, as my brother was placed for an open adoption as a baby. Because this adoption was open, and his adoptive mother being such a sweet, giving woman, I grew up knowing him. We are very close, and my husband and I were even in his wedding this last October. Adoption is something I always said I was interested in. It seems life has led us to this decision.

We really cannot wait to become parents again. Most of all, we want so badly for Ethan to have a brother or sister. It's a question he has started asking: When will he be a brother? It breaks my heart to hear these questions, but we have hope that he will soon be a big brother.

Thanks for your support, and if you feel comfortable, please share our information with anyone who may be contemplating adoption.

I'm Taking Down My Son's Crib Today

My almost-4-year-old's new bed was delivered a few days ago. His excitement over something so simple was palpable - a Big Boy Bed is something he's asked for for months (years, in kid time). He "helped" us with every detail of installing the bed frame, putting the mattresses on the frame, and making the bed. He even now sleeps through the night in his new room, because of this Big Boy Bed. But, I can't shake this deep sense of sadness.
This Big Boy Bed signifies so much more than my son growing up and needing space. We now have an Empty Baby Room. An empty rocking chair. An empty crib. I often find myself sitting on the floor of this Empty Baby Room in the middle of the night, searching for a baby to feed, to comfort.
This is what 2-1/2 years of infertility will do to a mom. 1-1/2 of years of blindly trying, wondering what's wrong. One year of painful and invasive fertility treatments and tests, each more discouraging than the last. Even though nature seems to suggest we are not meant to have more, my soul knows differently. My inner voice reminds me daily that I'm meant to have more children, which makes this journey all the more frustrating.
So I am left with a crib to take down, to neatly pack into the closet, as if to push this reminder out of sight. It feels like I'm giving up somehow, like I'm acknowledging that I've lost. I'm left to wonder, is this a painful reminder of what I don't have, or a beacon of hope for what I have dreamt of for years? You know what? I think the crib can wait for another day. Tonight, after I make sure my son is tucked safely in bed, I will take comfort in this Empty Baby Room. It may be painful at times, but it's also a reminder of the hope every infertile has with each cycle, each fertility treatment.

Day of Love

Holidays aren't a huge deal in our house, usually. It might be because Billy doesn't have this thing called Paid Time Off. It's quite a foreign concept in our home. What? You get paid even when you're not working? Paid Time Off = unicorns to us. However, we always try to make them somewhat special after Billy gets off work. Valentine's Day was no exception.

My mother-in-law volunteered to watch Ethan for us, and even gave us a gift card for Olive Garden. We're much to practical to wait in line on Valentine's Day, so we dropped Ethan off and got Take Out. Best. Decision. Ever. 

Then we made our way back home to watch Anna Karenina. I've really been looking forward to watching this with Billy since I saw it in the theater (odd choice for Valentine's Day, I know), but it wouldn't load on our computer! So sad. First world problems...

So we decided on "Mansome." It was free and on Netflix. I'll say this - unless you have a gross obsession with facial hair on men, I would steer away from that documentary. Yikes.

 Billy doing Blue Steel, and me doing my best Hugh Hefner impression in my super hot robe - also known as my uniform.

 Mint chevron nails. Nothing to do with Valentine's Day, but they deserve a picture.

Ethan and Billy spending some quality time together. Ethan was so excited to stay up late.

After the movie, we couldn't wait to go get Ethan to share this holiday with him. After all, we love him too. We spent the rest of the night cuddling on the couch watching Wall-E (Ethan's new obsession). It was the perfect end to the perfect evening. 

Thankful

I spent an embarrassingly long time contemplating what to title this post. "Thankful" seemed the perfect word for how I'm feeling. Yesterday, my husband called and told me about the school shooting in Connecticut. The strong wave of emotion that has followed since then has really taken me off guard. I don't know these children or their families, so why do I hurt so badly for them? 

I actually feel very strongly against homeschooling, but even so - that was my first thought. In light of the mall shooting that happened not even an hour away from my apartment this past week, I've thought several times of not going to crowded public places anymore. But that's no way to live. I was fearful yesterday.

I'm so glad I have a loving husband to turn to. I'd been feeling particularly blue since finding out we weren't pregnant after another fertility procedure. But last night, we stayed up and talked about how thankful we are for what we have, the blessings we've been given. It put my life into perspective. 

This morning, I woke up with a renewed sense of thankfulness. 

I'm first and foremost thankful for my faith in God. Prayer has gotten me through so much in life. 

Second, I'm thankful for a husband that works harder than anyone I know to provide for his family, physically and emotionally.

Third, and not at all least, I'm thankful for our miracle baby, Ethan. We had NO idea how blessed we were when we were able to get pregnant with him. I'm thankful for his health, and that he is sleeping safely in his room tonight. 

Today, we spent the day together. In fact, Ethan didn't even get out of his PJ's. It was a wonderful day to regroup as a family - to enjoy each other's company. I remember how important it is to tell my husband and son how much I love and appreciate them. 

I've tried to make sense of this shooting, but that is impossible. However, I can strive to appreciate every moment with our small family.