2011 - What. A. Year.
2011 was packed with the highest highs and the lowest lows. I feel ungrateful, given the full, blessed life I lead, to go into detail about this hectic roller coaster ride -but I feel compelled to do so. Maybe for my own therapy? Probably.
2011 started out on a high note. We had decided several months earlier to start trying for our second child. We hadn't been successful yet, but I had no reason to be worried, and felt the excitement this experience brings. Would we have a boy or girl? When would he/she be born? Anyone who has had a baby knows the joy that comes with having a child, so you know what these emotions feel like. Anticipation, excitement, love for this yet-to-be-conceived child.
A few more months went by, still with no success. However, I logically knew it's common to take a while, so I didn't worry much. Billy took the bar in February. Studying for the bar was an extremely emotionally trying time for him, but he studied his heart out. That's all a wife could ask for! He didn't feel confident, but I brushed his concerns aside. He's intelligent, and worked hard - so of course he passed, right? (oops)
We went on a cruise in March. I have to include experiences like this in this post, to show how truly blessed we are. Some couples aren't able to go on a cruise in their LIFETIME - and we were able to go to the Virgin Islands. It was peaceful, beautiful, and there was great food (my favorite part). We hope to go on one again someday, but this time with more money (seriously, we had no idea how much excursions cost!).
We graduated law school (awesome), but the big grey cloud hanging over our heads that day was not passing the bar. That was one of the darkest days, but I can honestly look back and say this experience brought us much closer together as a couple. We would spend hours at night talking over everything that had happened, and the possible reasons why we needed the experience. It was something that needed to happen (for business reasons), but the thought of doing it all over again was overwhelming. However, Billy is a freaking champ. He started studying just days after we found out, and took his test (again) in late July.
Less than a week after Billy re-took the Bar, he started on a major project in Utah, working on filming Christ's life. Click here to take a look (my husband's a rock star, right?). I have to mention how blessed we were to be a part of this project. This project was originally going to start in June, which would have made it impossible for Billy to study full-time, as well as make money so we could survive. It kept getting pushed back and pushed back - until finally they settled on the Tuesday after we took the Bar. I felt like this was an answer to our prayers. We were able to have 2-1/2 months of work, which enabled us to pay our bills, and prepare to start a practice - that is, if we passed this time. WHICH WE DID! That day was so glorious/surreal/relieving - basically any positive emotion you can imagine. Completely opposite of how we felt in April (when we didn't pass).
We were able to move back to Oregon in October, and Billy set up shop. He got a super sweet office for an AMAZING price, and things have gone well ever since. We are definitely NOT raking in the dough; however, this month we were able to cover all our expenses (wahoo!). I really have to stress how blessed we have been this year (before I move on). We have the most beautiful boy. He's smart, loving, and gross! We have a great relationship as a couple. Yes, we fight (mostly because of me), but we always make up before too long. It's wonderful to have such a strong companion to move through life with. I cherish this experience. We are luckier (more blessed) than most.
One thing that has been looming darker and darker is our inability to conceive. I feel so ungrateful and guilty writing about this, talking about this, bringing it up in conversations with friends. I already have one - why am I still so unsatisfied? Why do I feel so sad every time we learn we aren't pregnant? Why do I feel a knife in my heart every time someone asks if we want more? I'm bombarded with comments like, "It's in the Lord's timing (duh)" - "You already have Ethan - be happy with him (like I don't love my child enough)" and "Just relax! (as if this is possible)." - Side note: If you have to start your sentence with, "You probably don't want to hear this, but..." - just don't say it. Great words to live by, I promise.
I have moments where I am really positive. I KNOW we will have more kids. Whether it will be naturally or not, I know we will have them. This knowledge has helped me more than anything else has. Being able to see that my husband has some of the same emotions as I do has also helped. I also have days (like today) where I just feel sad. On Facebook today, 2 people announced they were pregnant, and 2 more shared pictures of their gorgeous, brand-new babies (side note - I REALLY am happy for them, I promise). I've realized that I need to take a break from social media for a while. Maybe this is why I have bad days? Comparing my experiences with others can be kind of toxic, and rather stupid of me! - Silly Kera
My resolution for this New Year is to focus on the positive. When I do that, I'm unstoppable! My life is so charmed, I know that. This year, I have realized that there would be no peaks without the valleys. The perk of this valley, is that the peak of being blessed with a second child (whenever this happens) will be so much higher than it ever would have been otherwise!
Farewell, 2011. You were awesome, slashed you sucked :)
As Buzz Lightyear (Ethan's favorite toy) would say:
To 2012, and BEYOND!
